I'm An Orochi Warrior Get Me Out of Here
by Jei Tzu
Summary: Spoofy take on Koei's latest videogame in the Warriors series. Rated teen for innuendo, launguage and violence. Chapter 3 up! Sorry for the delay!
1. Introduction

**I'm an Orochi Warrior- GET ME OUT OF HERE!**

Introduction 

Orochi, the Serpent King, used his demonic powers to take the heroes and landscapes of the Three Kingdoms period of China, and the Warring States era of Japan. His plan was to pit these heroes against each other, and himself in battles, hoping to prove he was the mightiest warrior. However, Da Ji, Orochi's strategist, decided it would be more profitable to make a short, three week television series depicting the antics of these Dynasty and Samurai warriors when left to their own accord on a small, tropical island. So she meddled with the time meld, got rid of the landscapes, and sent all the warriors to a random island in the deepest pacific. Now, Da Ji, with camera crew in the wings, can't wait to film the hilarity that will be…

I'm an Orochi Warrior- Get Me Out of Here!

A/N- Yeah, I know. It's a spin off of a spin off. It's here because it focuses largely on the characters from the Dynasty Warriors universe, though characters from Samurai Warriors will appear as well. The first Day of this epic adventure of misfortune, mistakes, and down-right mischief will be coming soon. The normal chapters will be much longer than this; I just wanted to put a place holder/ taste bud wetter to get people excited. I hope.


	2. Day 1

Day 1- The Fall of Shu… Down a Great, Big, Hole 

The warriors from the two periods of history arrived on the island of Tanginiki with little clue of what was going on. All except one. Zuo Ci, the famous mystic, crept off to a nearby area of the forest, where a cluster of tents were pitched, while the rest of the group did the usual "Where the heck am I?" routine. In the centre of the tents, Da Ji and Orochi were having a furious argument!

"… well, I thought a TV series would be more profitable!"

"Screw that! I just wanted to fight them to find out whose best!" Orochi was fuming. His huge scythe was being held rather close to Da Ji's neck.

"But Orochi…" said Da Ji in her most winning voice. "Think of all the money… and you could have half of it if you help me film these warriors…" she batted her eyelids appealingly. The serpent king looked around thoughtfully.

"As long as there can be fighting." He decided finally. "Swish, swish, splat!" he giggled, like a school child, before grinning at Da Ji. "You have yourself a deal!" Zuo Ci slunk back off to the clearing in the island's dense forest, to inform his colleagues of Da Ji's evil plan.

General pandemonium ruled in the clearing, as warriors yelled at each other, women slapped each other, and strategists delivered carefully considered insults to each other. Zuo Ci waved his hand for silence. When this failed to work, he shot a small rain of shooting stars into the sky, causing everyone to look around, and Xu Zhu to mutter

"Ooh, purty!" Zuo Ci rolled his eyes.

"Listen, warriors of the greatest periods of history…" a roar shook the clearing as the warriors shouted their approval. "We have been brought here by a cunning and evil plan." There was then much booing, and everyone joined in, except for Sima Yi, who said,

"I like cunning and evil plans." Cao Cao slapped him over the head, and Zuo Ci continued.

"So, I would like no-one to fight! This way, we can get off this island as soon as possible." Silence. Not a sound.

"Screw that rule!" Bellowed Lu Bu, who then punched Dian Wei in the face. As the bald warrior crumpled and a roar of protest rose from the clearing, Zuo Ci withdrew from the clearing, shaking his head. Why did no one listen to him?

It took a while for the characters to get organised into camps. Soon their were five dotted around the island: the Shu camp by the river, the Wu camp in the caves, the Wei camp in the shrubs, the Samurai Warriors camp on the plains, and the Other camp, in the deep forest. Everyone was organised into these camps, except for Zuo Ci, who slept on his own somewhere by the island cliffs. A few hours passed. And nothing happened of interest, after the premature demise of Dian Wei, the punch of Lu Bu having hampered his mental capacity somewhat, and leading to him wandering off the cliffs. Orochi, thoroughly bored with proceedings, decided to stir things up a bit. The island tannoy system rang out with the Serpent King's voice.

"Can Lu Bu and Tadakatsu Honda please come to the Other camp. Thank you!"

Both warriors soon stood in the entrance of Orochi's tents, sizing each other up, and leaning on their spears; Lu Bu on his Sky Piercer and Tadakatsu on his Splitting Spear. They stared each other down for a few minutes, until Lu Bu said, in a measured voice:

"My spear is bigger than your spear." Tadakatsu looked extremely affronted.

"No it isn't! My spear is way bigger than your spear!" Lu Bu grinned at the easiness at which his opponent was being riled.

"Yeah, right. Horn head."

"Look who's talking, feather boy!" It was Lu Bu's turn to roar.

"MY SPEAR!"

"MY SPEAR!"

"My spear…"

"Enough!!" Orochi burst out of his tent to see what the entire row was about. When he realised it was Lu Bu and Tadakatsu, he calmed down. "Ah, boys."

"Yes, Mister Orochi?" Said Lu Bu and Tadakatsu together, stepping on each other's feet.

"I want you boys to stir up a bit of trouble." Both men looked blank. "You know, kill someone!"

"Oh, I gotcha, sir!" Said Tadakatsu happily. Lu Bu still looked blank. Orochi rolled his eyes and re-entered his tent. Tadakatsu strolled off, with Lu Bu in hot pursuit.

In the Samurai Warriors camp, the two great warriors were not needed to stir up trouble. Sima Yi had arrived at the gates with a cunning plan. He entered, and walked over to a man he recognized to be Nobunaga Oda, the demon king. He was talking to two other men: Mitsuhide Akechi and Hideyoshi Toyotomi. Sima Yi coughed.

"Excuse me?" he said sweetly.

"Yes!" Said Hideyoshi, in a lisping, whining, nerd voice.

"Shut up!" hissed Mitsuhide, while Nobunaga said,

"Yes," in his monotone voice.

"Well, I heard you were evil…"

"Yes," said Nobunaga

"… and I wondered if I could challenge you to… an EVIL LAUGHTER CONTEST!" Sima Yi demonstrated his finest evil laugh. Nobunaga's eyes gleamed at the thought of some competition.

"Very well…" he said.

Meanwhile, Mitsunari Ishida was strolling through the forest near the Shu camp. He promptly bumped into Zhuge Liang. Finally, he thought, a chance for me to stretch my annoying muscle.

"Greetings to you, oh great loser of Northern Campaigns!" Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow. Yue Ying arrived to stand beside him.

"And to you, oh mucker-upper of the Seikigahara," replied Zhuge Liang, smoothly.

"Oh, that is low." Said Mitsunari smugly. "Coming from the man who only one battles because of his ugly man wife!" The insult to her beauty apparently lost on Yue Ying, she only heard Mitsunari's complement.

"Why, thank you." She said sweetly. Zhuge Liang's face went grey, and he stormed off. As Yue Ying hurried after him, Mitsunari smiled.

"Oooh, I think I touched a nerve there."

Tadakatsu found a camp. It took him a while, and he had to wade across a few rivers, but he had apparently lost Lu Bu, and that could only be a good thing. Two men were sitting lazily in front of a strange grey box. Tadakatsu crept up behind them and raised his spear above his head. The two men were Zhang Fei and Guan Yu, and they were so deep in conversation, they did not notice Tadakatsu creeping up behind them.

"Apparently," Guan Yu was saying, this strange grey box lets us watch moving pictures!"

"Wow!" exclaimed Zhang Fei. "Let's try it out." Tadakatsu chortled. This is easy, he thought. Mister Orochi would be very pleased with him. Guan Yu pressed the 'On' button to the TV. Immediately, a strange voice sang:

"_OOOOh…_

_Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea!"_

Another set of voices yelled out:

"Sponge bob Square pants!" 

And so it continued.

"Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!" 

"_Sponge bob Square pants!"_

"Let's change channel…" Said Guan Yu. Zhang Fei nodded dumbly, apparently transfixed by the antics of the small yellow creature on the front of the grey box, as was Tadakatsu. Guan Yu pressed another button.

"_I Love you!" _ Sang a voice.

"_You love me, we're best friends as friends as friends could be, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me to…" _Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked away from the purple dinosaur on screen, and said, simultaneously:

"Awwwww". Tadakatsu made a puking noise, and neatly lopped both their heads off with one stroke of his spear.

Meanwhile, in the Samurai Warriors camp, Sima Yi and Nobunaga were preparing for their evil laugh contest.

"Mitsuhide will be the referee." Nobunaga was saying as they sat down on opposite sides of a table. "When he says someone wins, his decision is final."

"Very well…" said Sima Yi.

"Nobunaga will start." Declared Mitsuhide.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" hollered Nobunaga, before stopping abruptly and looking across at Sima Yi, who replied in kind. And so it went on, a small crowd of onlookers gathering, and observing the game as if it were a Tennis match. Nobunaga gave a mighty laugh, which lasted for the best part of two minutes. The small drawback was that his head exploded as soon as he tried to draw breath. Sima Yi gave a roar of triumph.

"Why did you stop?" asked Mitsuhide.

"Uh, well, isn't it customary to stop if your opponent's sorta… dead?" Sima Yi enquired.

"Not in my country." Mitsuhide snapped.

"Screw that." Said Sima Yi. "I submit." And with that he left. Then Mitsuhide realized what Sima Yi had just done.

"Bugger! He killed out leader!"

Lu Bu also found a camp. A bigger one, he betted, than what Tadakatsu could find. But before he could do anything, a weird looking dude in yellow robes with a scraggly beard leapt out in front of him and bellowed:

"Learn about the Way of Peeeacce!" Lu Bu looked at him quizzically.

"I don't want to know what way you piss, beardy dude." He said, promptly.

"Not the way of piss, you fool!" Said Zhang Jiao. "The Way of Peace!"

"That's what you said last time. The way of piss. And I'm not interested. Now get out of the way before I knock your block off." Lu Bu said, raising his halberd threateningly. Zhang Jiao, seeing his point, scampered off. Lu Bu then wandered off, looking for someone to kill.

Zhao Yun was in hysterics, and Guan Ping was doing his best to calm him down.

"My Lord Liu Bei is dead!" sobbed Zhao Yun.

"No, he's not." Said Guan Ping. "He's done by the river, having a slash."

"Then why do both his sworn brothers lie fallen?" wailed Zhao Yun, drawing a few stares."

"Because some mad person with a horned helmet chopped their heads off." Zhao Yun sobbed all the harder. "Look, stop it!" Said Guan Ping, desperately, as Zhao Yun flung his arms around his waist. "You carry on like this, and people will think I'm gay, too!" Zhao Yun kept crying, so Guan Ping merrily sliced him open with his huge sword, the Flying Dragon. As Zhao Yun slumped to the ground, a guy with a huge fan walked past. Mitsunari observed the dying man with little interest. Then he began to put a plan he'd just hatched into practice.

"I killed your strategist!" He yelled at Guan Ping. Ping looked up, and, noticing the huge fan, he realised this must be who Zhuge Liang had been when he'd said some reject who'd insulted his manhood. Guan Ping slotted him behind, raising his sword to get some revenge, when suddenly, the ground fell out from under his feet.

"Ooowww." Moaned Guan Ping.

"Nice walking into a pit, loser." Said Mitsunari. "Smell ya later."

Lu Bu strolled into the Wei camp. It was quiet; only one person was visible, and he was short, fat and had a buckler strapped to one arm. Lu Bu slipped his Sky Piercer onto his arm and walked up to the man.

"Hi." He said.

Cao Ren looked up. "Arrgh!" He yelled, jumping about a foot in the air. "It's the mighty Lu Bu!" Lu Bu looked annoyed.

"Hey, that's my line!" And he sent Cao Ren flying with a single flick of the Sky Piercer.

"Ow, my face." Moaned Cao Ren.

"Oh, stop being such a baby!" Yelled Lu Bu, walked over, and impaled him. "Now you can cry!" Cao Ren, however, had no life to cry with. "Mission accomplished!" Lu Bu grinned, and he strode off to tell Orochi the good news.

Liu Bei returned from relieving himself to a very quiet camp. Only Huang Zhong, sitting in a rocking chair, and rocking feverishly, and Jiang Wei were present. Jiang Wei has looking down a hole. A gravely voice said.

"Don't… jump… gayboy…" It said.

"I heard that, you twit!" Yelled Jiang Wei, before jumping into the hole. A few gurgling sounds drifted up to Liu Bei. Then:

"Bugger." Liu Bei walked over to Huang Zhong.

"Huang Zhong?"

"Yes, youngster!" Said Huang Zhong, merrily.

"What's going on?" Huang Zhong took a deep breath.

"I'm not sure how it started, but everyone began jumping into that pit, 'cept Zhuge Liang, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun, and they're all dead anyway." Liu Bei absorbed this in silence.

"So… why aren't you jumping into the pit?"

"Oh, my arthritis is awful. I can't move a muscle!" Liu Bei nodded.

"Uh-huh? And then why are you talking?" A muscled jumped in Huang Zhong's jaw.

"It doesn't extend to my mouth."

"Why are you rocking then?"

"Uh…" Huang Zhong mumbled. "Time to make my getaway!" He sprang up, grabbed a walking stick and hobbled off. Liu Bei walked after him.

"You're just an old fraud, aren't you?" Huang Zhong's head wobbled.

"Maybe…"

Mitsunari Ishida was having a lot of cunning plans for one day. He shared his latest creation with his good friend, Sakon Shima.

"So, Sakon." Said Mitsunari. He was standing by a pile of timber atop the Island Cliffs. "Let's run through the plan one more time."

"If you say so, Mitsubishi!" Mitsunari looked shocked.

"What do you mean, Sakon?"

"Nothing, Mitsubishi. Carry on." Mitsunari rolled his eyes and carried on.

"So, we light the fire, hide in the bushes, wait for the Wu fire zombies to appear, and then push them all off the cliffs."

"Or wait for them to walk into the fire." Sakon added.

"Yeah." Mitsunari said. "That too." Unfortunately for the plotters, someone had heard them. Lu Meng, concealing a smile, snuck off from his hiding place to notify his fellow strategists, Zhou Yu and Lu Xun, that it was time to fight fire with fire. Literally.

As the sky darkened, Mitsunari and Sakon lit the fire.

"Hide, Mitsubishi!" yelled Sakon, as he dived into a bush. Mitsunari joined him, still at a loss to why Sakon was calling him Mitsubishi. They waited, breathless for a few moments. Then slowly, a small voice said:

"Fiiiirrrree…" Sakon gave Mitsunari the thumbs up.

"Great work, Mitsubishi."

"Stop calling me that!" Hissed Mitsunari, as three figures appeared. They moaned again.

"Fiiiirrrree…" They drew closer to the fire. And all three of them somehow produced unlit torches.

"What the…?" Asked Sakon, a bit to loudly. All three of them plunged the torches into the fire. And hurled them at the bush where Sakon and Mitsunari were concealed.

"Oh, shit!" Yelled Mitsunari, on fire.

"Your plan sucks, Mitsubishi!" agreed Sakon, also on fire. Zhou Yu and Lu Meng hi-fived, but Lu Xun appeared to be unfinished.

"Fiiiirrrreee…" He moaned. "Fire purty."

"Lu Xun!" Chuckled Zhou Yu, flushed with success. "The ploy is over, now!"

"Fiiirrreeee!" Moaned Lu Xun, and he threw himself into the flames.

"Lu Xun, no!" Yelled Lu Meng.

"Bugger." Said Zhou Yu.

And so day one ended, and Orochi was pleased. The carnage had begun, and if he had anything to do with it, it was far from finished…

Watch out for Day 2- A Wonderful World

A/N: In answer to Silent Ninja: I planned to, but when I posted the intro I had not quite finished with this chapter. Then I had to do some coursework, so things all complicated. Still, hope you enjoy this all. Next update: sometime next week JT.


	3. Day 2

Day 2- A Wonderful World

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Anyway, if you thought Day 1 has hectic, you ain't seen nothing yet…

As the sun rose of the island for the second day, most of the camps were noisy with the sounds of 20 odd warriors getting up. The Shu camp, however, was very quiet. Only one person stood in the small clearing. Liu Bei finished writing the note he'd been scribing. He pinned it to Huang Zhong's rocking chair. Huang Zhong being old and all, he was still in bed, but Liu Bei found it impossible to sleep. He smiled, and walked over to the pit. A small bill lay by the side. Liu Bei read it. "Boo Hoo funeral services… we filled in your grave for you :)". Liu Bei rolled in eyes, and walked off.

The Wu camp was rowdy. Mainly because they were only missing one member of their group, and secondly because it was Wu, it was an abandoned island, and their were a lot of new people to meet. And do things that would be best left un-talked about, too. Gan Ning wandered through the cavern that acted as the entrance area to Sun Jian's tent, singing raucous, rude pirate songs as he went. The rest of Wu, woken by Gan Ning's tuneless singing, joined in. Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao sat in a corner in a huff, mainly due to the fact that they suspected their husbands had slept with someone who wasn't them. Promptly, Sun Jian emerged from his tent, and immediately looked very shocked, as Gan Ning led off a particularly rude verse about Sun Shang Xiang. The song petered out rather suddenly.

"Good morning, all." Said Sun Jian, glaring at Gan Ning. Sun Shang Xiang emerged from behind him, with a bad case of bed hair.

"Hi," she said, waving at Gan Ning. Gan Ning stared at his feet and went bright red, much to the delight of the officers around him. Another song rose up, this time less eloquent than before.

"Ningy and Shang Xiang sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Shut up!" Yelled Shang Xiang, Gan Ning and Sun Jian altogether, and all three going bright red.

Kanetsugu Naoe strolled along the cliff tops, the fresh sea air clearing his mind. He looked around himself, and spotted a man seated in the trees, playing with a few cards. Kanetsugu recognized him as the man who had warned them not to fight yesterday. As a Taoist, Kanetsugu shared his views. He walked over to him.

"Greetings." He said.

"Greetings, Kanetsugu Naoe," said Zuo Ci without looking up. Kanetsugu was startled.

"Ho—how did you know my name?" Zuo Ci looked up from his cards.

"Well, if you insist on having your name scrawled across your robes, don't act so surprised when someone calls you by name. I am Zuo Ci. Pleased to meet you, Taoist brother." Zuo Ci followed, offering his hand. Kanetsugu took it, bemused.

"How…"

"Robes." Was the one word reply.

The Wei camp was in a state of mourning, due to the death of Cao Cao's cousin, Cao Ren. Cao Pi was unimpressed. Sima Yi, whom had got back suspiciously late back the night before, was now talking to the young Prince of Wei.

"My lord, I have some cunning plans to get us out of this state of perpetual mourning."

"Excellent. Start talking." Said Cao Pi, grinning. Sima Yi pursed his lips and grinned evilly.

"First, we will kill the two most annoying officers of Wei." Cao Pi raised an eyebrow. "Xu Zhu and Zhang He, I thought everyone knew that. Duh." Cao Pi raised his other eyebrow, looking affronted. "And then I will annoy Lord Cao Cao to death!" Cao Pi returned to his unimpressed guise.

"Is that it?"

"Pretty much."

"Well I like it! Come walk with me so we can discuss some of the finer details…" the due snuck off, alerting only one person. A person with a taste for blood…

Meanwhile, Samurai Warrior camp was in chaos. A mini-war was being fought, to decide who would become the next leader of the faction. And blood was going everywhere.

"Damn!" Yelled Kenshin Uesugi, as Yoshihiro Shimazu knocked him flying. "Where's Kanetsugu when you need him.

"En garde!" Screamed Hideyoshi in his lisping nerd voice, as he charged at Ieaysu Tokugawa and Mitsuhide, who had been halfway through a duel. Both men stopped, nodded, and turned to face Hideyoshi. Realising his mistake, Hideyoshi turned and fled right onto the end of Yukimura Sanada's Crimson Fang. The fighting stopped, briefly, so everyone could go "Hurrah" and celebrate the death of the character with the most annoying voice in the world. Then the fighting continued. Shingen Takeda charged on his own on horseback into Kenshin Uesugi, knocking him off his feet for the second time.

"Damn!" he swore again. However, Shingen's jubilation was short lived, as Magoichi Saika shot his horse from under him.

"Take that! Gunpowder rocks!" He yelled, moving in to finish him off, only for Masamune Date to shoot him in the shoulder, and punch the air.

"Too right it does!" He grinned, spinning around, before beginning to duel with Mitsuhide, rapier clashing against katana. Around them the whirlwind of carnage slowed. The combat was nearing its end.

Kanetsugu, meanwhile, was still chatting with Zuo Ci.

"So, then I pulled out my card-charms…" Kanetsugu was saying, when he was cut off by Zuo Ci's excited voice.

"You have cards?"

"Yeah… so what." Zuo Ci's mouth twisted almost as far as his moustache.

"I challenge you to a game of… Racing Demons!" He began shuffling his cards. Kanetsugu grinned, pulling out his cards and shuffling them too.

"I bet you three rice balls, and a peach, that I'm a better card player than you."

"I bet you three meat buns, and a peach, that you were lying just then."

"Very well." Kanetsugu seated himself opposite Zuo Ci.

"May the best man win." Said Zuo Ci, smiling once more.

"I plan too." Kanetsugu replied. And the game began.

As Liu Bei strolled through the forest, some creepy music began playing. Then a creepy guy began singing to it.

"_I see trees of green… red roses too… and everywhere… I see people like you… and I think to myself… what a Wonderful World…" _And so it went on. As Liu Bei walked, he saw a few couples walk by, deep in conversation. Lu Bu and Tadakatsu Honda, gesturing at their spears and yelling a lot, Cao Pi and Sima Yi, chuckling evilly, Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan and Ina, all comparing weapons. The song continued.

"_I see people meeting… saying how do you do… and people declaring… I love you…"_ Liu Bei's bottom lip began to wobble, as he passed Zuo Ci and Kanetsugu Naoe, wrapped up in a game of cards. Suddenly, Kanetsugu threw his hands up in the air, and Zuo Ci buried his head in his hands. Liu Bei began to cry.

"I… can't… take this anymore…" he sobbed, drawing his sword, and putting it to his breast.

"My lord, wait!" Huang Zhong hobbled into the clearing, then stopped looking surprised. "My lord, what are you doing with that sword?"

Sun Ce and Sun Quan finally shoved their heads out of their respective tents and wandered over to join their father and a very embarrassed Sun Shang Xiang.

"Hi fatherrrr!" Said Ce in a very gay voice. Jian looked confused.

"Uh… Ce? Why aren't you speaking with your American voice?"

"I don't know, fatherrr…" Ce said again… "This voice just took overrr last night."

"Yeah, so totallyyy…" added Quan. Jian went red in the face, and yelled:

"Who turned by sons into screaming benders with no more right to live on God's green earth than that toadstool?!"

"But father…" said Shang Xiang, "That toadstool is on God's green earth." Sun Jian rolled his eyes.

"You just had to say that didn't you." He promptly stood on the toadstool with the heel of his boot. It made a nasty squashy noise as he drove his foot into it, causing Ce and Quan to go

"Ewwwwww."

"Raaaagh!" Yelled Jian. "Know that, whoever did this, is no an enemy of the Tiger of Jiang Dong." Sun Shang Xiang patted her father on the back.

"Well said, Father." Jian began to purr with pleasure.

"Awwwww!" Said Quan and Ce.

Masamune Date was struggling to hold Mitsuhide's superior sword technique. However, he hadn't counted on Ginchihiyo Tachibana's lightning, serrated blade cutting his back open.

"Imbeciles!" He yelled, collapsing to the floor. Ginchihiyo stepped forward to take up the fight with Mitsuhide, but only for a few seconds. Mitsuhide drove his sword through her guard and left her gasping for breath on the floor. Nagamasa Azai came steaming over, lance lowered, but Mitsuhide simply sidestepped, and Nagamasa steamed past, eventually embedding his lance in the border fence. Only one warrior, besides Mitsuhide, remained armed and dangerous. Musashi Miyamoto stepped up to end the fighting, swinging his duel Katanas and approaching the mighty swordsman. The two men rushed at each other, swords flying in whirlwinds of steel. But Mitsuhide could not hold Musashi back, and soon he was on the floor, clutching a cut on his shoulders. Musashi had won. He grinned.

"I don't wanna lead." He said, much to the surprise of the others, who looked set on continuing the fighting. "But I know who does. As the greatest fighter _ever_, I appoint Shingen Takeda as leader of the Samurai." Angry roars sprang up around the clearing. "Laters!" he said, and quickly scampered off before anyone could spit his head on anything pointy. Shingen just grinned, happy that the best leader was in control.

"Ah…" Said Liu Bei, hiding the sword behind his back. "Nothing…" Huang Zhong chuckled.

"You don't fool me youngster. You came out of camp early for a quick shave…"

"Yeah, a quick shave. Right. Who do you know who shaves with their sword?"

"Me, for starters." Said Huang Zhong proudly. Liu Bei shook his head,

"You nutter." Liu Bei said.

"Well, shall we walk and talk for a bit?" Asked the aged warrior, hobbling onwards.

"OK…" Liu Bei began. "Just don't do anything weird… or old."

As soon as Sima Yi and Cao Pi returned to the Wei camp, they put their plans into action. Soon a small collection of warriors, all eager at the chance to put the most annoying officers in Wei out of action, gathered around.

"Now…" Said Sima Yi, as he spotted Zhang He prancing forwards. "Get ready, boys! Wait for my signal!" Everyone present fingered their weapons as Zhang He arrived.

"Ah, Sima Yi… you are looking beautiful today!" he said, exuberantly, hugging Sima Yi. Sima Yi began making a slashing motion at his neck, backing off furiously. Cao Pi motioned to his men to wait, eager to see Sima Yi squirm. "Come here! Let me give you a beautiful kiss!" Sima Yi made a strangled sound as Zhang He made his best effort to snog Wei's strategist, but finally Cao Pi, crying with tears of silent laughter, waved his men on. Pang De leapt at Zhang He, his two halberd rose and fell, and soon Zhang He lay on the floor, muttering something about how good looking Sima Yi was. Cao Pi was now rolling around on the floor, unable to control himself any longer. Xu Zhu began to add his deep, goofy voice to the laughter. Cao Pi stopped abruptly, and nodded to Sima Yi. Xu Huang removed the fat man's head from his shoulders in one swing.

"Whoop, whoop!" Yelled Cao Pi, punching the air as he got to his feet. "That's the way, u-huh, u…" It was Sima Yi's turn to laugh.

The sun began to set, and despite Sun Jian's fevered searching, he had yet to find the person responsible for the homosexuality of his sons. He called all the officers of Wu to a meeting in the main cave.

"Listen!" He yelled, but when this had no effect, he gave his finest tiger's roar. This shut everyone up very quickly. "Now," he said, more pleasantly. "Can anyone give me any information on who might have turned my sons gay last night?" Zhou Tai and Zhou Yu began giving each other shifty looks. They then looked around, eager to see someone to blame. Right on cue, a pretty boy with shoulder length black hair, and a miniskirt stepped round the corner into the Wu camp.

"It was him!" Yelled Zhou Tai and Zhou Yu together. Sun Jian eyeballed him.

"Could he have done them both in one night?" He asked, grinding his teeth.

"Oh, yes father! Ning and I… uh…" Shang Xiang went bright red, as did Sun Jian.

"Butcher the poofdah!" He screamed. As the whole of Wu fell on Ranmaru Mori, Sun Jian said "Hey," turning to Shang Xiang. "That rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!"

Liu Bei was glad of Huang Zhong's company, even if he did find it a bit waring, as he did have the habit of rambling about the 'good old days' when nobody actually talked; all they did was kill each other. He also moaned about the new fangled musket technology which he had seen 'some ponces from the camp on the plains' using. As the sun began to turn the sun from red to a shade of purple, Huang Zhong and Liu Bei turned for home, only to bump into Xiahou Yuan, Xiahou Dun and Ina. They were parting, readying themselves to go their separate ways, but when Xiahou Yuan spotted Huang Zhong, things began to get hairy.

"Brother!" He said, in a clipped voice to Dun. "Hold me back or I might go and knock the old blighter's head off." Dun grabbed Yuan's arm, before he could go charging off towards Huang Zhong who was squinting at Yuan.

"Do I know that person?" He asked Liu Bei.

"Yes." Said Liu Bei. "You only went and killed him.

"I can't have!" Huang Zhong protested.

"Why?" asked Liu Bei.

"Well, for starters, he's not dead, is he?" Liu Bei shook his head. Ina watched proceedings with obvious interest. Huang Zhong smiled, and took out his bow. Everyone watched in shock as he knocked an arrow to his string and drew it. His tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth, and his eyes squinted. Xiahou Yuan pushed his brother away, and rapidly drew his bow. Ina, thinking it was the new fad, followed suit. Xiahou Dun and Liu Bei looked at their allies.

"What are you doing!" he asked Huang Zhong, knowing that he was in no position to wage war with Wei.

"Finishing the job!" Yelled Huang Zhong, letting fly, as did Ina and Xiahou Yuan. Two arrows hit each other in the air. One arrow hit Xiahou Dun in his remaining eye.

"Oh, bugger." Said Huang Zhong. "I missed."

"You bastard!" screamed Xiahou Yuan, as his brother keeled over backwards.

"Shit." Said Ina. No one paid her the blindest bit of attention.

"Time to make my getaway!" yelled Huang Zhong, hobbling off, with Liu Bei in tow.

"I'll get you for this, Huang Zhong!" yelled Xiahou Yuan, as he fanned his brother with his hat. As Huang Zhong and Liu Bei hurried back to the Shu camp, they bumped into Zhang Jiao.

"Follow the Way of Peace!"

"Oh, sod off, you beardy bastard!" Said Huang Zhong, kicking Zhang Jiao in the balls.

"Piss… off…" squeaked Zhang Jiao as he sunk tot the ground.

"Finally," said Liu Bei, kicking Zhang Jiao in the head as he stepped over him. "You admitted that your cult is all about your toilet habits."

A/N: Okay, guys, sorry for the delay. The bad news is their will be another one, while I write another chapter of my novel. Still, here's a summary of Day Three: My Spear is Bigger than Your Spear.

Lu Bu and Tadakatsu try to prove the size of their spears.

Magoichi picks the wrong girl to hit on.

Sima Yi and Cao Pi put Operation Annoying Strategist into action.

Kanetsugu tries to preach the way of honour to Masamune.

Sun Jian tries to get over the homosexuality of his sons.

And Xiahou Yuan seeks his revenge…

All this, and much, much more in day three.


End file.
